Trapped in indecision and inaction? Procrastinating on goals that are meaningful to you? Here’s what’s going on and how to get out of it.
Indecision, inaction and procrastination are a nervous system freeze reaction in response to a false belief that it’s not safe to be authentic.
Indecision, inaction and procrastination are a nervous system freeze reaction in response to a false belief that it’s not safe to be authentic. You’re unable to decide because it appears that there’s no safe move. That limiting perception originated in childhood where you were often trapped between having to choose between two bad outcomes–usually abandoning yourself or being abandoned by a caregiver. In this guide, I discuss the root causes of indecision, and how to get out of the pattern. If impostor syndrome, fear of failure, procrastination and perfectionism are patterns you struggle with, this article will help you see how to break free from that.
I was trapped in indecision and inaction for years. Looping around the same questions, yet unsure of the way forward. Afraid of taking bold action toward goals that were truly meaningful to me. Stuck in relationships that made me feel unhappy, yet fearful to speak my truth or leave.
The inability to decide worsened over time–to a point where I found it difficult to compose messages or choose a dish from a menu of four items!
I was confused about what was causing all of that indecisiveness, because I used to be someone who made bold decisions.
I’d dropped out of a BA degree in Germany, three years in, in order to start over in London, knowing that I’d be on my own financially, because my parents wouldn’t support me changing direction. I’d confronted a c-suite executive and another male colleague for bullying me. I’d be unafraid to disagree with the majority and express an unpopular opinion if it was my truth.
I’d been the odd-one-out in most of my employment and social situations – the foreigners, the queer one, the audacious one, the straightforward one – and I’d been okay with my otherness.
So, what was going on with that indecisiveness that had grown to be so paralysing?
My answer to that question, with the awareness I have now is–inauthenticity. A deep disconnect from who I truly was. I’d been abandoning parts of myself and I’d grown so disconnected and alienated from my true self over time, that I’d become incapable of making simple decisions.
It took a while to find that answer.
If indecision and inaction are something you’ve been battling with, this article explains what’s going on and how to get out of the pattern.
What’s actually going on when you can’t decide?
Fear creates a false perception that there’s no safe move
Indecision and inaction are the result of a false perception that there’s no safe move. You feel unable to decide because all of the solutions you can see to your problem have undesirable consequences. And all of these consequences appear more frightening than the pain and frustration of your current situation.
Neurologically, what is happening is that your thoughts, feelings and nervous system aren’t all in alignment with taking action.
On a cognitive level, there’s a perceived threat. All of the options that you see for what to do appear unsafe.
On an emotional level, you are scared that you’ll have to experience something that you don’t want to experience, e.g. failure, rejection, sadness, loneliness.
And on a nervous system level, you are in fear and you are reacting to the fear by freezing and not taking action.
It appears that any move you make might get you in more trouble, so staying where you are seems as the safest option. Indecision seems as the best strategy.
Fear limits our thinking and the options we see by creating binary thinking, tunnel vision, false end states, and looping thoughts.
You are stuck because you’re in fear. And when you’re in fear, your thinking is binary, you can’t see past a false end state, you have tunnel vision and your thoughts loop.
When you think in binary, black-and-white ways, you envisage only two possible options. You either stick with the well-paid job that makes you miserable, or you do what you’d love to do at the expense of lower income.
It doesn’t occur to you that there are ways in which you could make your current job more enjoyable, or that you could do it part time, combine it with work you’re passionate about, and make a good income, or that if you did the work that you’re passionate about you could make way more money than you’re making now.
The other way fear limits thinking is that you envisage a false end state. You do the thing and then you fail. You made a proposal and they said no. And your mind, when in fear, tricks you into seeing that failure as a finality–the end outcome. But the reality is that if you fail, you can try again and again and again. You don’t get the contract and then you make another proposal, and another one, and another one. There’s no final destination, no end state. Failure can only happen if you stop trying.
What keeps you in indecision and inaction?
#1 The learned lie that it’s not safe to be authentic and do what feels aligned
The real root cause of indecision, inaction and procrastination is the false perception that authenticity–being who you truly are, doing what you truly love–is unsafe.
This limiting belief can take on different forms. For example:
you aren’t free to be yourself
it’s not safe to be authentic
you can’t do the thing that feels good in your system
you must compromise one of your core needs
you’d hurt or disappoint someone if you were yourself
And so, the false programming is: don’t be you, don’t do what you truly desire, because there would be bad consequences, e.g. you’d get rejected, criticised, abandoned, attacked or you might hurt people by not being who they want you to be.
But there are bad consequences to not being yourself also–because authenticity is your compass to the life that makes you most alive.
And what happens when you suppress your authenticity is that:
you abandon the most invigorating expression of you
you neglect your needs
you put others’ desires before yours, and
you don’t go after your heart’s deepest wants.
Childhood roots: bad outcomes for being yourself
Fear of being authentic stems from a childhood where you were trapped between two forms of unsafety. The unsafety of being criticised by a caregiver (or disappointing a caregiver) and the unsafety of not being yourself.
Most children don’t feel loved and accepted for all of who they are, and so we learn to suppress our authenticity, and trade off the safety and joy of being our true selves in exchange for the safety of staying connected to or not being attacked by a caregiver. Or, if you dared to be authentic, that came at the expense of being attacked and punished for who you were.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Being you = bad consequences. Not being you = bad consequences.
And so you learned that you have to choose between two lose lose situations. Be yourself and have love and safety removed. Or not be yourself and have love and safety removed also, because you can’t feel loved and safe unless you’re yourself.
The learned lies
And so your system learned the false programming that authenticity is dangerous.
You learned that you’d be safe if you hid who you were. And that you’d be unsafe if you were vulnerable and open with people.
And you adapted by choosing what appeared as the lesser evil–the perceived safety of becoming who others’ want you to be over the perceived unsafety of being yourself.
The fix
#1: See the massive cost of inauthenticity: depression, anger, lack of deep connection, suppression of creativity
a) Depression
Inauthenticity is a form of self-oppression and over time it manifests as depression. You suppress your true self, you suppress your needs, you suppress pursuing the things that light you up, and this blocks your vitality. Your life force is blocked, your energy is low or off, the deep motivation and spark are missing.
b) Anger and anxiety
If you’re often angry, either at others or at yourself (self-critical inner voice), that’s a sign that you’re suppressing your authenticity and neglecting your needs. If you’re experiencing anxiety, this too points to neglecting your needs.
c) Not using your best decision-making tool
Authenticity is nature’s map to your most invigorating life–to your deepest safety, true heart’s desires and joy.Studies show that people are safest, happiest, most successful and creative when they are authentic. Authenticity is your best guide to living your best life and making the decisions that are right by you.
d) Not tapping into your deepest creativity and potential
Authenticity is your superpower. It’s the pathway to the most empowered version of yourself, to your zone of genius, unique talents, creativity and potential.
e) You can’t be loved for you if you’re not being you
You can’t experience connection with others, and you can’t be loved for who you are if you’re not being who you are.
#2: See the pain of indecision – and the myth that it keeps you safe
There’s emotional avoidance behind indecision. The reason you’re not making a decision is because you are afraid that the decision would lead to a feeling that you don’t want to feel. And your fear of experiencing that feeling is keeping you in indecision and inaction.
The feelings that we normally avoid are rejection, disappointment, attack, sadness, or loss. And notice that staying in indecision is making you experience all of these feelings. By not making a move, you are rejecting some of your needs. You feel disappointed with yourself and you attack yourself for not knowing what to do. You feel sad. And there’s also a sense of loss–loss of opportunity, excitement, vitality, aliveness.
So the indecision and avoidance strategies aren’t working.
#3: To make an aligned decision, don’t ask ‘what’s the right thing to do? – ask ‘what’s the decision that feels good in my system?’
Most of us ask the wrong question to help us decide, and that question is some form of what’s the right thing to do. That’s a fear-based question that comes from the desire to avoid a consequence and a feeling that you don’t want to experience. What that question really asks is ‘who do I need to be in order to be worthy of love and approval’?
And that’s not a helpful question. You are worthy of love and approval for who you are. All you “need” to be to receive them is your authentic self. This will attract the people in your life who love you for who you are.
And so, to decide what you want to do, try asking the following questions:
What’s the decision that energises me?
What’s the authentic decision?
What’s my truth?
What decision feels right in my heart?
What decision feels good in my system?
#4: See that safety is only found in knowing yourself and being true to yourself
Safety and certainty are only found in knowing who you truly are and being who you truly are. There’s no other safety and certainty in life, but the safety and certainty of the truth in your heart.
You learned as a child that it’s not safe to be who you are. But the irony is–it’s not safe to be who you aren’t, because you have no idea how to be who you aren’t!
When you’re authentic and aligned, there’s an inner knowing, an inner resonance, a sense of expansion and alignment, an ineffable something that tells you that you’re on the right track. That inner knowing is your metric.
But when you aren’t yourself, you have no such metric for success. And so you constantly doubt yourself and your actions. The inner voice tells you off most of the time, and often for contradictory things. You were too bold. You were too humble. You worked too much. You didn’t work enough. And that’s because you have no KPI for how not to be yourself, so you constantly feel that you’re failing and you attack yourself for it.
#5: To get out of depression and hopelessness, express your anger
As I wrote above, the suppression of authenticity is the suppression of yourself and your lifeforce, which creates depression. If you’ve been experiencing depression, express your anger. To express anger safely, don’t direct it at people in their presence and don’t direct it at yourself. For example, you can scream in a pillow, shout in your car or in the forest, try boxing, or hitting a pillow with a stick.
#6: See what the real stuckness is
All you’re trapped with is a false thought. The only stuckness is happening in your mind, and it’s the stuckness with the critical or fearful voice in your head. That’s all you’re trapped with. A set of limiting beliefs and looping thoughts. And you learned them in childhood. And they are not true. And it’s completely okay to think them. And you don’t need to believe them.
#2 The learned lie that the present is safe and the future’s unsafe
You get trapped in indecision when you perceive that there’s no safe move. All of the options you see entail a threat, and so staying in the unhappy, frustrating or stagnant situation seems as the safest option. The false perception is–here’s safe, the future is unsafe.
Childhood roots
This pattern of feeling that you’re trapped between two undesirable outcomes is the result of a childhood where you were often trapped between a rock and a hard place. You were put in no win situations–and you couldn’t get out of them without some form of pain or loss.
For example, I was often verbally attacked for doing what I loved doing–playing with my friends, speaking on the phone. When I defended myself, my father would get even more angry at me. I’d shut up then and after a while I’d be attacked for “staring with blank eyes”.
And so, there was no safe move. Whatever I did got me in trouble. And my system learned that not doing anything, indecision, means avoiding attack and trouble.
That created the false programming: I’d be safe if I didn’t take action and I’d be unsafe if I took action.
The fix
#1: It’s not the future you’re scared of, it’s the learned fears you’re projecting into it
See that it’s not the future you’re afraid of but what your anxiety and fear are projecting into a future that’s free and full of possibility by default. You’re not scared of the unknown, you are scared of what your fearful mind is putting into the unknown based on its past false programming and childhood conditioning.
#2: Reframe your definition of safety and your definition of risk
Right now, you’re thinking that the safe move is not to move. List all of the reasons how that’s not actually safe. How is not moving actually risky rather than safe? Then, do the same for your perception that taking risks is risky–and list all the ways in which taking risks creates safety.
For me, safety means taking authentic action, following the truth of my heart, experimenting and evolving, having no shame to do something wrong, and celebrating failure.
Risk means doubting myself, not taking bold action, attacking myself for failing, not exploring, staying in stagnation.
#3 The learned lie that you must compromise one of your core needs or that it’s even shameful to have needs
Another reason for indecision is the false perception that you need to compromise one of your core needs. You must choose between wealth or happiness. Between freedom and success. Between an unhappy relationship and loneliness. And so, the perception is: you can’t have all of your needs met.
Childhood roots: Role reversal, emotional neglect, growing up with a volatile, unpredictable or depressed caregiver
Abandoning your needs stems from a childhood where you as the child felt responsible for a caregiver’s happiness. Your roles were reversed. You felt you had to take care of the adult, and so learned to sacrifice your needs to meet theirs. This happens when a caregiver was volatile, unpredictable, or unsafe to be around. Or when they were unhappy or depressed.
The learned lie: their needs are more important than mine
The lies you learned are that their needs are more important than yours, that you can’t have your needs met, and often–that it’s even needy and shameful to have needs.
The fix
Recognise that all of your core needs are worthy and valid. Overcome any shame you may have around having needs and expressing your needs and asking for what you truly desire. See that being open and transparent in relationships about your needs is an act of love–you’re showing others what you need for the relationship to work.
#4 The learned lie that failure means unsafety, rejection or attack
Perfectionism and fear of failure usually stem from a childhood where safety, love and acceptance were conditional on performance, or where performance was the only thing that didn’t get you in trouble.
Your system decided that performance means safety, and so now as an adult you’re constantly pushing yourself to do more and more and more and/or you’re afraid of failure and taking risks.
The fix
See that excessive perfectionism is the antithesis of the safety you’re looking for.
Assure your inner child (the critical voice in your head) that they will be safe and loved with you, regardless of how they perform.
Assure your inner child that they are enough as they are, that they are allowed to make mistakes, that they are even encouraged to make mistakes, and that it’s completely okay, and in fact most endearing and connecting to not be perfect.
#5 Shaming yourself for indecision and inaction
We tend to have a lot of abusive self-talk when we’re stuck. Some of the things the critical voice in my head says in response to indecision and inaction: I’m ruining my life. I’m keeping myself stuck. I should know better than this. What on earth is wrong with me that I’m not doing what I know I should be doing. Something must be horribly wrong with me. I’m bad. I’m untrustworthy. I’m incapable of looking after myself.
If the voice in your head has been on about what you “should”, “must”, “have to” do, you’ve been shaming yourself.
You then try to push yourself out of the indecision and this gets you even more stuck in it, because it creates an inner oppression – rebellion dynamic. One part of you is shouting at you that you must change and another part is going “You’re not gonna tell me what to do!”.
And so forcing yourself to get unstuck has the effect of getting you more stuck. Like a car in a mud–the more you rev, the deeper the tyres sink.
The fix
Accept the indecision and stuckness
Be soft and easy with your indecision and stuckness. Allow yourself to be in indecision. Don’t push against it, don’t tell yourself off for it. Enjoy it.
Surrender to it and accept that it will shift when your consciousness is ready.
Wonder about it, ask yourself questions, without grasping for an answer
Some questions you can experiment with: I wonder when I’ll get unstuck? I wonder what this indecision is all about? I wonder how the authentic decision would feel in my body? I wonder what all of this is teaching me about me? About my desire to be me, true, authentic to myself? I wonder what I may not be seeing here? What would it feel like to love myself so much that I could give myself the permission to be in indecision? The permission to do the wrong thing? The permission to love myself just as I am?
~ ~ ~
I know how painful being stuck in indecision can be because I lived in that vicious cycle for years. If you’ve been struggling to find the right way forward on an important life, work, or relationship decision, and need help identifying the internal blocks and getting clear on a decision that’s authentic and aligned, get in touch to find out how I can help.
Cover photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash