21 signs of co-dependency in relationships: break the pattern before it breaks you
Codependency is a coping strategy in response to childhood trauma. It results from growing up in an unsafe, mercurial, highly critical or emotionally neglectful/abusive environment. Don’t shame yourself if you recognise some of these signs–toxic shame is another result of childhood trauma and the biggest barrier to your healing.
Codependency is insidious, progressive and can be difficult to spot
Codependency patterns can be difficult to spot. They are insidious and the increasing erosion of self that happens in the course of codependency makes it difficult for you to think clearly, discern what’s happening and trust your judgement.
Sometimes you only recognise the patterns after the relationship has ended.
There are no victims or perpetrators of codependency. Both parties are equally matched in their roles as a bully and bullied.
Progressive signs of codependency
Some codependency patterns are progressive. The three most obvious of those are:
Your sense of self and self-worth have greatly shrunk rather than expanded in the course of the relationship: you feel progressively smaller, incapable and ashamed of yourself.
You feel increasingly empty, helpless, isolated from people, lonely, angry and guilty.
You have become increasingly disconnected from yourself, deeply confused about who you are and what matters to you. You find it difficult to make decisions and recognise your needs.
Twenty-one signs of codependent relationships
You believe that fixing and healing them will make you happier.
You believe that they’ll fall apart without you and that you’ll fall apart without them.
You care more about their wellbeing and needs than about your own. You deny your needs to meet theirs.
Your feelings of loneliness, resentment, anger and helplessness have increased in the course of the relationship.
Your sense of self and confidence have shrunken rather than expanded during the relationship.
You feel an intense sense of responsibility for their life.
You believe you need to save them. Or that they will save you.
You have difficulty making decisions.
You think you’ll be abandoned if you set boundaries and say no.
You are extremely loyal, very good at compromising your needs, and you remain in situations that don’t serve you too long.
You are very sensitive to their feelings and often take on those feelings.
You believe you won’t be okay unless they are okay.
You get very defensive and angry when you’re criticised.
You think you know what’s best for them.
Over time, you can see that you have abandoned more and more of yourself and your needs.
You feel either deeply obliged to them, or as if they owe you something, or both. “After all I’ve done for you!”
You feel guilt, pity or anxiety when they have a problem, so you caretake them. They grow resentful in turn.
You feel angry when they refuse to accept your help.
You tend to think that everything is your fault. Or you blame them for everything.
You’re tolerating behaviours and things you said you never would.
Over time, you have become more withdrawn, isolated and disconnected from the world around you.
The main characteristics: saviour/saved, caretaking, needs denial, tiptoeing
Martyrdom/victimhood dynamics, caretaking, controlling, weak boundaries, repressed anger, denying your needs, and a growing sense of disconnection and confusion about who you are are signs of co-dependency.
In her moving memoir, All the Way To The River, Elizabeth Gilbert tells her story of healing from decades of codependency.
Some definitions of codependency from the book:
“excessive emotional or psychological dependence upon another person—typically one who requires an unusual amount of support and attention on account of depression, anxiety, narcissism, mental illness, low self-esteem, trauma, and/or addiction.”
“the utter abandonment of yourself in order to fixate upon them.”
“the certainty that you will get all the love you have ever required by pouring your love into someone else’s heart.”
“a strategy of living that never, ever gives the needy person what they need.”
The root of codependency: unsafe, chaotic or abusive childhood environment
Codependency patterns often develop as a result of a chaotic, unsafe or emotionally abusive childhood environment:
Growing up with parents who were highly critical of you, who were unpredictable, mercurial and emotionally neglectful and abusive.
Growing up with parents who were addicted to alcohol or drugs.
Growing up with emotionally immature, shame-based, and reckless parents.
How to overcome codependency and the biggest barrier to beginning
Overcoming codependency patterns and restoring a healthy and vibrant sense of self is completely possible.
The first step is to recognise the signs. The second is to overcome any shame you may feel about having codependency patterns. Most relationships, even very healthy ones, have degrees of codependency on them. Third, speak to someone who can help.
Increasing feelings of shame are, in fact, a sign of codependency. Be gentle on yourself and don’t allow them to stop you from doing what’s in your highest good.
Toxic shame is the biggest barrier to overcoming codependency. It is also another result of childhood trauma and a damned if you do, damned if you don’t upbringing, it’s related to codependency and it has nothing to do with your true nature. Ironically, it is also the gateway to your inner peace, healthy sense of self, and healing.
If you want to learn how you can break free from codependency patterns and restore your healthy, vibrant and joyful sense of self, I’d love to have a chat.