I shared something I was deeply ashamed of with a mentor. And even though they said it was understandable and normal, the words “not that it’s okay” slipped.
I felt horrified. Judged. My shame doubled down on itself.
The judgment wasn’t just in the subtext. It was in their words.
Words that confirmed what I’d feared deep down: I had done something wrong.
My throat tightened. My heart raced. The shame burned in my chest.
And what transpired in the immediate aftermath of this brought some very profound insights and revelations:
If we don’t know our deepest truth, we’ll always be at the mercy of other people’s opinions.
I’d already told a few trusted people this story. They all said I had nothing to be ashamed of. My mentor said the same.
But it still stung—because I didn’t fully believe it myself.
You can gather all the external reassurance in the world. But if there’s even a seed of self-doubt in you, someone’s tone or raised eyebrow can crack it wide open.
Until you’ve met yourself in your doubt and discomfort… until you’ve found your own truth… the opinions of others will always have power over you.
We are helpless over how others perceive us—and that’s a gift
There was a moment I thought: Maybe I shared too soon. Maybe if they knew me better, they’d understand.
But that’s the illusion—thinking we can manage or control how we’re seen.
The truth? People will see you through the lens of their own mind, no matter how much context you give. Perception is not independent from the perceiver.
And when you stop trying to control how you’re perceived, you reclaim your agency. You are free from the self-imprisoning delusion that you can control others and the guilt and blame that creates when they don’t accept or agree with you. And you start realising that what you need isn’t their acceptance—it’s your own.
Liberation doesn’t come from escaping the pain. It comes from feeling it
In that moment of feeling judged, every part of me wanted to bolt. I told myself I’d made a mistake, overshared, ruined the relationship. I wanted to end the conversation, quit the work, protect myself.
But something deeper in me said: Stay.
So I stayed. Not just in the conversation—but in the feeling.
I didn’t abandon myself.
I let the shame and self-blame rise. I let it burn. I felt the tightness in my throat. The swirling thoughts. The regret. The fear.
And eventually… they softened.
I saw them for what they were: passing sensations, not truths. The contents of my consciousness and experience, not my consciousness or experience. The ebbs and flows of the ocean, not the ocean itself.
When we stop running from the discomfort and start meeting it with honesty, vulnerability and heart, everything begins to shift.
Because the path to our liberation? It runs straight through the parts we’d rather avoid.
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This is what I teach inside my free two-day masterclass: Freedom From Self-Doubt and Overwhelm. If you want to learn how to break free from self-doubt, overwhelm, and bring the spark back into your life, reserve your spot: www.pavlina.me/inner-freedom